17 August 2010

Subway Etiquette, or, Stop Blocking the Fucking Door You Asshole

If you're someone who reads this, then you probably already know I got me a shiny new job. I'm happy I have this job. I can pay my rent, and my bills, and buy food and pretty dresses and cheap Forever 21 costume jewels and the fancy burritos from Papacito's (not just Taco Bell [even though I do love Taco Bell and still eat there all the time - ALL THE TIME]). Probably my favorite part of my new 9-5er is the commute. The G to the L to Union Square in no time flat. I drink my coffee, catch up on my podcasts, maybe have a tiny cat nap on the way home, and PRACTICE MY FINELY HONED RAGE skills.

These people on the subway, you'd think they never rode the subway. You'd think that they think New Yorkers aren't typically poised to go postal. You'd think that they, being human, might have a sliver of humanity. No, indeed. Their favorite thing, I've noticed, is to get onto a not-necessarily-very-crowded subway car, from a crowded rush hour Union Square platform (you know, a hypothetical kind of commuting situation) and stop as soon as they step into it. Like, "Phew! I made it on. My work here is done." It's funny because even the people behind them who have to push their way on, they do the same thing. "Yes! I got on! Right here at the door seems cozy."

Sometimes, it's a crowded car emptying out onto a crowded platform. You hear the announcer say "Let them off let them off!" And yet there the platformers are, standing directly in front of the doors when the train pulls into the station, as if this is the last train that will ever come, EVER, and it's going to the promised land, and if you don't get on it now you'll be stuck at the Metropolitan L station FOREVER! I, embodying a charming combination of politeness, knowledge of basic physical laws, and non-cutthroatness, stand aside enough to let people off first. Of course, that then leaves a vast swath of empty platform area (the area where those disembarking should disembark onto) for the less polite, less wise to physics, more, shall we say, savage of our species to step in, and fuck shit up. Clearly we need some kind of regulation beyond the "Let them off" communique and the scolding that follows thereafter - and by regulation, I mean regulator.

I also really like it when people treat that one pole in the middle, that ONE that pretty much EVERYONE in the middle of the car needs to hold onto, like it was placed in that position for them to lean their nasty ass crack on, or to hug their arm around while they fuck with their phone/iPod/New Yorker. Hey DUDES - that pole is for the thirty-seven of us to wrap our outstretched pinkies around so we don't stumble at every start, stop and turn, thereby stabbing unsuspecting strangers in the feet with our stilettos (I have a scar on each foot).

Who ARE these people? Do they have ANY sense of the world that exists beyond a millimeter outside of them? It makes me dream of a time when I might be brave enough to ride a bike over the bridge. But then again, who ever will I silently rage over? I guess I'll always have sidewalk-blockers for that.

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